A Spoof from the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman
by Castaway5
Summary: A chapter by chapter spoof; you can read along with book if you want to!
1. Chapter 1

Behold! A Spoof from the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman! I wrote this chapter a long time ago so sorry if you don't like it. Also, you can read along with the real book. This is a paragraph by paragraph spoof.

FYI: The Narrator and Author are real people in this spoof. They live in an invisible studio box in the sky. (Paid for by the Redwall company.)

**Disclaimer **I have great respect for this series. All characters are parodies of themselves. This is a _joke!_ Don't like, don't flame!

Warning: Crude language.

Another Warning: This story will be updated infrequently.

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Chapter one

Narrator: Two men sat facing each other in a comfortable room called a drinking den. (Which is just a fancy name for a place where people get drunk on business) Now one of these men is a Dutchman and if we use…(Narrator makes quotation marks with his fingers.) Context clues, we can assume this person is the Captain of the Flying Dutchman because he's a Dutchy and I just profile people that way. (Narrator takes a deep breath.)

Author: (Shakes head in back round.)

Narrator: Oh, and the other guy is some insignificant Chinese bloke taking a vacation in Scandinavia. Neither of them touched the gin on the table. ('Cause you know, probation.) Because TV's and football hadn't been invented yet, they both watched a small blue velvet packet.

Vanderdecken: Yarr, silk is up thirty-two points.

Gem dealer: What?

Vanderdecken: Yarr, never mind.

Gem dealer: Anyways…

Narrator: Gem dealer unravels the cloth. Behold, a large emerald that's for some reason called a dragon's eye, even though we haven't seen a dragon. Yet.

Gem dealer: I have an agent in Chile who has a package of priceless stones for me. I want you to go and get if for me. Can you do it?

Vanderdecken: Mmmmmmmm. Chile.

Gem dealer: Can you do it?

Vanderdecken: Gyarr. Of course I can. And I diffidently won't steal them while I'm at it.

Gem dealer: Good. Now as payment I'll just give you three gems instead of the whole package.

Vanderdecken: Five.

Gem dealer: Four.

Vanderdecken: Three take it or leave it.

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Narrator: The boy ran. Now perhaps he was running track. Or maybe he wanted to get in line for the eighth Harry Potter book. Or maybe… (Boy cuts him off.)

Boy: I'm being chased damn it! I lead an abusive life, I live in the cellar, and my three hulking stepbrothers who, by the way, haven't even let me read Sorcery's stone are chasing me.

Narrator: Quite! Your suppose to be a mute!

Boy: But I'm the main character! I have to be able to talk! I tell you I'm… (Narrator slaps a role of duct tape on his mouth.) Mpppphhhhh.

Narrator: Ahhhh, silence is golden.

Author: But duct tape is silver.

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Narrator: The next say, five paragraphs of the book are skipped.

Scar faced Burmese: Why?

Narrator and Author: Because you're unimportant!

SfB: But plot to murder the Captain!

Author: Yes, but our boss says to skip this part.

Me: Yea, it is impossible to make you funny.

SfB: Yea, well, your joke suck.

Me: Mr. SfB, I pay the Author (me), he writes the story, as in, your character and what happens to him. I suggest you shut up now.

SfB: …

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Narrator: Let's check on the Boy now. Oh, looks like he stuck on a wharf. (Turns to Author.) What's a wharf?

Author: (Rolls eyes.) Isn't there anything we can do for him?

Narrator: You're the writer, write something!

Author: Oh yea.

Narrator: Too late. He got pushed off the edge.

Author: But he was supposed to bite them first. Why didn't he bite him?

Narrator: Because I put duct tape around his mouth. Remember?

Author: Sucks to be him.

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Vanderdecken: Jah, set sail for horribledeathtrapcertaintodieevilplace!

Crew: Does its job.

Ship: Sails away.

Author: I feel like I've forgotten something.

Narrator: Um, the Boy?

Author: Damn it!

Narrator: Never mind, I'll get it. (Narrator opens the door and steps out of the invisible studio box in the sky and flicks a rope over the side.) There, problem solved.

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Narrator: Well, by now the Boy is half unconscious, half drowned, and numbed to the bone; so of course he finds the strength to climb the rope, find a ledge, and stay on it.

Boy: (Rips off duct tape) God that hurt! Well, since I can't read, I don't know that this ship is screwed.

Author: But the ship isn't cursed yet.

Narrator: I'll handle this. (Pulls out more duct tape)

Boy: No, I'll be quiet!

Narrator: (Sighs and puts it away.)

Boy: (Falls unconscious)

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So, what do you think? The next chapter is funnier, I promise. Read and Review!


	2. Chapter 2

Here's Chapter Two!I updated early too. That deserves a review I am thinking. Wow, thinking is new.

**Disclaimer** All characters are parodies of themselves. So I kinda own everybody. Sorta.

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Chapter 2

Narrator: It's morning, wake up!

Author: Mph.

Vanderdecken: Yarr! I never sleep because I'm the Captain of the Flying Dutchman!

Narrator: Can you really fly? I'd ask the Author but he's asleep.

Vanderdecken: Gyar. Of course I can fly!

Narrator: Can you do it now?

Vanderdecken: Arggg, first I have to be drinking heavily. Then I…

(Narrator loses interest and go's to wake up the Author)

Vanderdecken: Yarr, you there! (Points to random crewmember) Pick up that rope!

Random Crew Member: Um, ok. (Looks over rail) Oi! There's a kid over here!

Vanderdecken: Gyarr. Leave him there or push him over. I couldn't give a damn. Now I'm off to go heavily intoxicate myself! (Walks away)

Petros: I need a galley boy!

Narrator: Yea, because filling pots with random objects is _so _hard.

Petros: Drags boy into galley.

Narrator: (Opens door to the invisible studio box and walks in. Taking out a blow horn, he duct tapes it on and throws it into the Author's room.)

Author: (Comes running out with a baseball bat in his hands only to find the Narrator holding a paintball gun.)

Narrator: Good morning. (Takes aim)

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Narrator: Ahem, two days later. (Coved in paint)

Boy: I'm alive and it's lunchtime, things are looking up!

Petros: Wrong!

Narrator: Petros hands the boy, who's suppose to be a mute, (Glares at the boy) some food.

Petros: Right, when you signed up for a life at sea you pretty much doomed yourself. We all did in this story.

Boy: (Looks at him blankly)

Petros: Hmmmm, you're not responding. You must not have a tongue. I think I'll kick you now.

Narrator: An Arab walks in _after _abuse takes place.

Arab: Because I'm smarter than you, I can state the obvious that he does indeed have a tongue.

Author: Wow you're a natural Herminie Granger.

Narrator: I take a moment for the Greek to understand how someone can't talk when he has a tongue but he does, he says.

Petros: Well he might be dumb but if he can throw random objects into a pot he'll do. Here, take this to the Captain. Un-der-stand?

Author: Sigh. I wish I could write about smart people for once and not about someone who's clearly the result of ten generations of inbreeding.

Petros: Hmmm. What should I name the no-tongued kid? Any ideas Jamil?

Boy: (!?!?)

Jamil: I think we should call him Nebuchadnezzar.

Petros: Nebo…Nebu… Look, if I can't even say it, I'm not going to name my slave it.

Author: Wait; did he just say something smart? I didn't write that!

Narrator: Petros turns to the boy and screams in his face.

Petros: Neb! Neb! You called Neb now! Take this to the Captain or I'll skin you with this knives.

Narrator: Petros picks up sharp knives.

Petros: (Proudly waves knives around)

Jamil: (Backs off)

Neb: (Runs out of the cabin)

Knife: SHINE SPARKLE SPARKLE.

Narrator: Just then, Petros cuts himself with the knife and the Cullen's leap into action and… (Stops reading and turns to the Author) Dude, you've _got_ to stop reading Twilight.

Author: I did.

Narrator: You finished the series didn't you.

Author: Mayyyybe.

Me: No fricken way. I did not just mix Castaways with a Twilight reference. Lightning strikes me down!

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Door: Knock knock.

Vanderdecken: OMG knocking door!

Door: Knock knock!

Vanderdecken: (Eyes door suspiciously) Hmmm. Since the door is an inanimate object, it must be trying to kill me!

Door: Opens.

Narrator: On the other side of the door Neb somehow opens it while holding a food.

Me: A food. Yum.

Vanderdecken: Isn't that the boy I told my crew to push over board?

Narrator: Um, you gave them a loophole.

Vanderdecken: Yarr, note to self. No more loopholes.

Neb: (Sets food on the table)

Vanderdecken: I believe this is the part of the story where I give you a lecture about luck.

Neb: (Nods)

Vanderdecken: Gyar. Well I'm not.

Neb: (Shrugs and leaves)

Vanderdecken: (Glares daggers at the door)

A Food: Randomly explodes.

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Narrator: Back in the kitchen.

Neb: You know if we were in the twenty first century America, Child Welfare would be all over your ass.

Petros: Child Welfare, where? (Looks around and spills gun powder into a bowl) It also randomly explodes.

Narrator: (Stops reading) What is it with you and exploding food?

Author: Well, I figured this chapter needed some action.

Narrator: So you blew up their food?

Author: Yea.

Narrator: Oh, ok. (Takes a sip of coffee. It too explodes)

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Review! Please!


	3. Chapter 3

Ok, here's chapter three, I have to admit this is not my best work, I like the later chapters much better...

**Disclaimer** All characters are parody of themselves, I write this only because I respect the series so much...if that makes sense...

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Chapter 3

Narrator: It was a cloudy day, just like everyday around here when they pulled into Esb…Esb…look, if I can't read it I'm not going to say it.

Author: (Crosses arms and pouts childishly)

Petros: (Locks Neb up) I have to get food… you know yum yum. Here's a knife, cut up food, not self. Slaves are scarce in Denmark and I can't have you go emo on me now. (Leaves)

Neb: (Sighs, then starts to rattle the knife on the cage bars)

Narrator: (Looks up from script) Where the hell did they get a cage?

Author: Groan.

Neb: (Stops, then starts cutting up the food, pretending it was Petro's face/ looks out the window)

Dog: Wanders.

Neb: Looks at dog.

Dog: Hungry.

Neb: Gives dog some food/Petros's face.

Narrator: The dog comes onto the doomed ship, slips through the bars and eats all of the food/Petros's face.

Dog: Thinks to self (Tastes bad, to much face)

Neb: Wow! I've always wanted a dog, even though keeping one hidden on a ship will be nearly impossible.

Author: For more reasons then one.

Narrator: Neb crosses over, picks up the keys from where Petros had forgotten to take them out of the lock and unlocked the cage. Completely ignoring the open door, he takes hold of the dog and leads him under the table.

Neb: Hmmm, I never had a friend before, at least not one that could talk back, can you talk?

Dog: …

Neb: Ok, better wording. I never had a live friend before!

Dog: …

Neb: I really have to get out more.

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Narrator: Well this chapter sucks.

Author: (Loses temper and yells) Fine! I'm going to bed! You can write the story! (Storms off to his room)

Narrator: (Picks up the pen) Right, this can't be too hard, I mean if the author can do it…

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Narrator: As Neb bandaged Petros's hand, a paintball gun appeared before him. At the same time a piece of duct tape wrapped itself around his mouth.

Neb: (Muffled) Damn it!

Narrator: Outside rapid fire could be heard on deck.

Neb: (Muffled) Charge!

Narrator: Neb burst through the door into the melee on deck. Instantly he ducked and rolled forward, all the while loosening shoots. Vanderdecken stood in the middle of the crew, spinning Rager style (see Underland Chronicles) and shooting like a maniac. Since he was drunk at the time, all of the paintballs made contact. Five minutes later, the ship looked like a hippie convention. Petros was the most colored, having been tied to the mast upside down.

Neb: (Runs into galley and rips off the duct tape) Aaaaahhhhh! If you ever put that on my mouth again, I swear I'll stick this paintball gun so far up your…

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Narrator: Meanwhile, back on deck…

Vanderdecken: Arrrggg! I am Captain of this vessel!

Jack Sparrow: That's where your wrong mates, this is now the Black Pearl!

Random Crew Member: WTF?

Jack Sparrow: Ya Savey! (Shoots him)

Other Random Crew Member: What's a savey?

Jack Sparrow: (Shoots him too)

Vanderdecken: Gyar: Killing random crewmembers is my job!

Me: Not till the next chapter!

Jack Sparrow: All right then, I'll make you a bet.

Vanderdecken: Whoever can get drunk first? I'm already there!

Jack Sparrow: No, that won't work, my crew has already stolen all of your rum during the paintball fight…No, first one around Cape Horn gets a movie deal. Loser is cursed forever. You Game?

Vanderdecken: Nooooooooo! I lost the Game!

Entire Crew: Nooooooooo! We loss the Game!

Jack Sparrow: Um, what's the Game?

Me: Sigh, 1. You are now playing the Game.

2. When ever you think of the Game you lose the Game.

3. When ever you lose the Game, you must say aloud, I lost the Game.

4. You can only explain the Game when someone asks the Game.

Jack Sparrow: Me thinks I will have fun with this!

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Narrator: The Englander Scraggs (Who the hell names their kid Scraggs?) and Jamil proceeded to beating up Petros, which Neb enjoyed, and wormed some information out of him.

Petros: The Captain has Emeralds, don't hurt me!

Scraggs: Too late.

Narrator: Pushes Petros into the stove.

Scraggs: (Turns to Neb) Don't tell anyone or we'll kill you bad.

Neb: Ok, just question. What's the Game?

Me: FAIL.

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PLEASEUPDATEIREALLYWANTREVIEWS!


	4. Chapter 4

Well some how or another I've got this done early _and_ added a guest star. Again. Sigh.

Disclaimer: I own all parody's of the characters. Just not the names.

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A Spoof from the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman

Chapter 4

Narrator: Neb and the dog, which had been named Denmark even though the boy couldn't talk so the whole naming process was kind of stupid, sat hunched over a table on which a risk board was set.

Neb: So if I eat all the cod, and you eat all the pork, food supplies will become nonexistent thus weakening the crew. Then we can take command of the ship and sail to America. We will then sell the ship and buy a wii.

Denmark: (Nods)

Narrator: Just then Mad Eye Moody walks in.

Neb: No…F-ing…way. Harry Potter did not just get mixed with Castaways.

Narrator: (Turns to the Author) He's right you know, you could get key hauled for this.

Author: Look, it was going to happen eventually, I figured I might as well claim the title for my self.

Me: Great, now I'll get bad reviews from fans and J. K. Rowling. Sigh.

J.K.R: Hmmm, coffee or croissant? Read my new book, Barry Plopper!

Fans: …

Me: …

Narrator: (Turns to Neb) Hey, I thought you said you didn't read Harry Potter!

Neb: I didn't, I listened to it on CD, duh.

Author: Cheater.

Narrator: As the present conversation was taking place, Mad Eye Moody curled up in a corner and fell asleep.

Neb: WTF!?

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Narrator: Meanwhile Scraggs, Jamil, and Sindh (A/N spell check is having fun with their names) plotted to kill the Captain for they had betted that Jack Sparrow would round the Horn first.

Sindh: We see the Captain then we kill him. He's a drunk it can't be too hard!

Jamil: But he's one of those lucky drunks. He can fight better when he is.

Scraggs: You grab him and I'll stab.

Jamil: What part of unbeatable drunk did you not understand?

Scraggs: Did I mention you'll be paid?

Sindh: Let's do it tonight!

Jamil: How will we be paid? I'm allergic to Emralds.

Scraggs: All right then, we'll catch up with Jack Sparrow and steal back the rum.

Narrator: Just then, Petros waddles in.

Petros: Feel sorry for me!

S/J/S: DEATHGLARE!

Petros: Or not.

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Neb: Hmmm, looks like someone wants to kill the Captain!

Author: Wait a moment, I didn't write you into that scene! How the hell did you know that!?

Neb: Mad Eye left his invisibility cloak laying around. I kinda barrowed it.

Author: Didn't your parents ever tell you not to steal?

Neb: Ummm, didn't you read the book? It pretty much explained the whole no parent thing in like, the first chapter.

Author: Did it?

Neb: OMG, you didn't even read the book? How the hell are you writing this?

Author: I, err, um, oh look, an action scene! Go get stabbed!

Neb: Oh boy!

Denmark: I feel alone.

Author: …

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Vanderdecken: Well, time go off on a random midnight jaunt! Whennnn the Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie…

Jamil/Sindh: GRAB HIM!

Vanderdecken: Super Dutchman Powers Activate!

Jamil/Sindh: Fail.

Scraggs: Time to gut ya!

Narrator: Just then, Neb came charging out!

Neb: (Trips)

Jamil/Sindh: Double Fail.

Narrator: While Neb was busy planting his face, Mad Eye Moody ran out.

Mad Eye: I don't like it…

Author: When people attack when other people's backs are turn, we know, we've all read the books except the boy kissing the deck.

Wand: KAZAP!

Narrator: Behold! The amazing bouncing pirate…I mean ferret!

Sindh/Ferret: SQUEEK!

Narrator: At that moment the ferret flew into Jamil's pants.

Jamil: Ahhhh, Sindh in my pants…wait, no, not like that!

Scraggs: Ahem, still a threat much?

Denmark: Snarl/Attack!

Scraggs: S***!

Vanderdecken: Arg, now Mad Eye, what did I tell you about messing with the minds of muggles?

Mad Eye: Yar, nothing, you were passed out on the floor.

Vanderdecken: Whatever. (PUSH!)

Scraggs: S*************************!

Neb: Triple Fail!

Vanderdecken: Mad Eye, lock up the ferret and Jamil. Boy, you've just been upgraded to a cabin suite. You're my new roomie!

Neb: (Gets up and backs away)

Denmark: Sigh, left out…again.

Author: You'll get over it…again.

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Review! Please! I'll update this sooner if I get more reviews!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter FIVE is here! Unfortunately it's pretty short. On the plus side I'll be updating this story very soon!

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Chapter 5.

Neb: Ninety-nine bottles of rum on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of rum…

Narrator: Make him stop make him stop!

Author: Well what else is he going to do, this chapter is only six pages in the real book and not much happens at that.

Neb: Take one down, pass it around…

Narrator: Screw the book, write something!

Neb: Ninety-eight bottles rum on the walllllllll!

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Mad Eye Moody: (Walks over to the Captain while dressed up as a clown.) Do yea want to know how I got these scars? (Points to random scars)

Vanderdecken: Not really.

Mad Eye Moody: I got them when an Angel descended from the skies and cursed my ship, _The Soaring Englishman_.

Vanderdecken: That's nice, but you completely lost me with the foreshadowing though.

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Mad Eye Moody: Do yea want to know how I got these scars?

Petros: Will you feel sorry for me?

Mad Eye Moody: I will in about, (looks at a watch) twenty seconds story time.

Petros: Um, OK then. How?

Mad Eye Moody: I got them when a wave crashed into the galley and dragged me out thus drowning me.

Wave: Crash!

Petros: Dies…

Mad Eye Moody: Yarr, I pity the fool.

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Jamil: (Chained to the wall) Seventy-eight bottles of rum on the wall, seventy-eight bottles of rum…

Sindh: SQUEEK!

Mad Eye Moody: Do yea want to know how I got these scars?

Sindh: SQUEEK!

Mad Eye Moody: I got them when my evil witch of a grandmother put me in a bear suit and chained me to a wall, very similar to yours. (Angel's Command) (Inspects wall)

Jamil: (Scoots away)

Mad Eye Moody: Aha, you moved!

Wand: KAZAP!

Jamil: (Looks at self)

Mad Eye Moody: OMG, a bear! Run for your life!

Sindh: SQUEEK! (Backs away)

Jamil: Now a bear. (Looks at the ferret hungrily)

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Neb: Fifty-six bottles of rum on the wall, fifty-six bottles of rum…

Narrator: (Clutches head and collapses)

Author: (Bobs head in time to his I-Pod) _There's a party at the end of the world end of the world where the locals do the tango twirl_…

Mad Eye Moody: (Bursts in) Do yea want to know how I got these scars?

Den: Asleep.

Neb: Surprised!

Mad Eye Moody: I got them when a Barbary Pirate fell off a cliff taking my true love with him killing them both.

Neb: What the Hell are you talking about? First it was, "Are toads really frogs with a wart spell attached? Then it was, "Why is there no boom slang skin on board?"

Author: (Takes off head phones) I think he's foreshadowing.

Den: Zzzzzzz.

Neb: About what?

Author: Voyage of Slaves.

Neb: "But I'm still on book one!" cried Neb indignantly.

Author: Did you just speak to yourself in third person?

Narrator: Ugggggggghhhhh.

Mad Eye Mood: Argggg, well it was nice knowing you, but I have to go toture some spiders. (RANDOMLY APPERATES!)

Author: Well that was abrupt and anticlimaxes.

Neb: Well crap! I lost my place. I guess I'll have to start over. Ninety-ninety bottles of rum on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of rum…

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Yes, I know, very short. I'll update as soon as I can, maybe even sometime this week. REVIEW!

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	6. Chapter 6

Where's the Rum? As promised, I updated as quick as I could, but according to my traffic page only one person read the last chapter so none of you guys would know...

Come on people! Please REVIEW!

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Chapter 6

Narrator: Well, the weeks went rolling by and everything just sucked more.

Neb: It's snowing!

Me: Yeah…large shard of ice.

Neb: I didn't know ice sickles could grow side ways!

Random Crew Member: IMPALED!

Narrator: Sucks to be him.

Neb: Quick, steal his belongings!

Author: But that would involve going outside…

Narrator: As it was, I the Narrator, the Author, Neb, Den, and Me (not me the other Me) were stuck inside the galley for fear of dying out on deck.

Other Random Crew Member: DEATH BY FALL!

Me: Anybody else notice that the crew is dropping like flies out there?

Author: I could be in the studio box right now drinking coffee right now if I hadn't stayed out late for that poker game last night.

Denmark: (Thinks to self) You still owe me fifty bucks.

Neb: Did I mention that the food ran out?

Everybody: …

Door: FLUNG OPEN!

Darth Vader: Come to the dark side, I have rum.

Neb: Hi Annie!

Darth Vader: Aaarrrgggg! Don't call me that! Why do you think I went to the dark side to begin with?

Author: The Rum?

Narrator: That's it! (Turns to the Author) Just because you can't think of anything to write doesn't mean you have to have a guest star.

Darth Vader: Did someone say Death Star?

Narrator: (Turns) SHOVE!

Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Fall's into the ocean)

Author: He was supposed to fill the whole chapter! Now what are we going to do now?

Door: FLUNG OPEN AGAIN!

Shrunken Head: SHUT THE DAMN DOOR!

Vanderdecken: Gyar. Just to let you know, I'm starting my rant now. If I see any of you I'll probably kill you so you better hide now.

Narrator: Gotta go!

Author: See ya!

Me: As much as I'd like to stay… (Rushes out)

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Neb: Well, half the crew is dead, Vanderdecken is now permanently drunk, the Narrator, the Author, and Me (not me the other Me) are probably playing Monopoly. It look's like it's just me and you now eh Den.

Denmark: (Walks away)

Neb: Hmmm, things to do…. I know! I'll write a spoof on the book Castaways of the Flying Dutchman!

Denmark: (Rolls eyes)

Neb: To bad I can't write. Or spell. Or talk for that matter. Sigh, being a mute sucks.

First Mate: DEATH BY FIREARM!

Neb: Hmmm, I wonder what's in those cabinets I never open. (Rifles through) A bottle of Rum, some explosives, a ham sandwich and, oh look! Matches: what fun! (Starts playing with matches next to the items.

Room: BOOOOOOOM!

Narrator: Neb (Whose eyebrows had been burned off) and Den (whose snatched the sandwich out of mid-air) flew out on deck right as Captain Vanderdecken started cursing Jack Sparrow at beating him around the Horn.

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Review!


	7. Chapter 7

OK, I'm really sorry, but the real chapter was really short so there was less to spoof up.

**Disclaimer** I don't own Angel.

* * *

Chapter 7

Narrator: When Vanderdecken lost the bet, he pretty much lost his entire life.

Author: Damn it! This is only four pages, I can't work with this!

Narrator: Not my problem, I'm just the Narrator.

Neb: Galley go BOOM!

Denmark: Neb's brain cells go Boom!

Neb: …

Den: Neb?

Narrator: Holy crap! The explosion made him go mute!

Author: But he just a moment ago.

Narrator: Don't ruin this for me!

Angel: Ahem.

Everyone: (Turns)

Angel: Behold my shininess!

Everyone: Gasp!

Vanderdecken: Drunken gasp!

Me: The Angel is a Lawyer?

Narrator: At that moment the Angel hands Vanderdecken a business card. (Looks at the Author) Why is the Angel a six year old?

Angel: Seven.

Narrator: Uh, seven year old.

Author: Haven't you ever read Maximum Ride?

Narrator: ...You didn't…

Author: I thought you might not notice if the guest star was from a series you didn't know. One you couldn't push off the edge without being prosecuted.

Angel: I'm here representing Jack Sparrow. You lost the bet. Pay up.

Vanderdecken: I'm broke.

Angel: No matter! I curse you to sail the oceans of the world until Judgment day! (Using my awesome mutant bird freak powers)

Weather: Bad!

Wave: Crash!

Neb and Den: Washed overboard!

Me: Time to abandon ship. To the Studio Box!

Narrator: Get your own Studio Box! (Narrator and Author run into the SB)

Me: Damn it!

Petros: I'm alive!

Me: Undead. There's a difference.

Sindh: SQUEEK!

Jamil: Woof!

Me: WTF WHY WOOF?

Scraggs: Sucks to be us.

Me: Sucks to be you. There's a ship full of rum somewhere around here. See Yea! (Jumps overboad)

* * *

**Alright, bad news. Really bad news. Because my next project is finally finished, this story will be put on Hiatus for the Summer and most likely some of Fall. If I do post something, you'll be very lucky. I will be continuing this story to the end, but but for the next few months this story will not be on the top of my priority list. **


	8. Chapter 8

Yeah, I updated, even I'm surprised! I'm still hard at work trying to get the next chapter of Titanic done for you all so I'm posting this to tide you over until I can get it up. If you haven't read Titanic, please do!

**Disclaimer** uhhh...no?

* * *

Spoof chapter 8

Narrator: Horrible storm, bad weather, yada yada yada.

Neb: (Staggers to shore) I'm alive! OMG I can talk! It's a miracle!

Denmark: Wow! Since it's his first time talking in five minutes, I wonder what'll say.

Neb: (Turns to ocean) ****! Why you stupid***heads! If I had to spend one more minute on that bloody ship I'd go crazy! ****! ****! ****!

Denmark: Speechless!

Narrator: (Turns to the Author) Good job on the censorship.

Neb: S***!

Author: Whoops! Almost let that one slip!

Neb: Sigh. Now that I got out of my system, I think I'll behave myself and become mildly mild mannered.

Denmark: That was abrupt…

Neb: Who said that?

Den: Me!

Me: I did not! I'm on Jack Sparrow's ship drinking rum!

Neb: Hmmm, it must be my imagination. I know! I'll have an imaginary friend! I'll name him Bob.

Narrator: Well, I can't say I saw that coming. How odd?

Author: It says here in the _real _book that you and Den are suppose to roll around in the sand in happiness.

Neb: Who?

Author: Your dog.

Neb: (Looks down) Oh yeah. (Then looks at the ground) Do I have to? It looks dirty.

Narrator: Just because your no longer a mute, doesn't mean I can't still use duct tape.

Neb: Fine. (Starts rolling in sand)

Denmark: Disgruntled I am.

Narrator: (Holds a video camera in his hands) This is going on YouTube under, "Retard rolls in sand!"

Author: Sigh.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Luis: Lalalalalala. Just me, taking a midnight stroll at the End of the World. Nothing weird about that! (Stops) Oh look, a boy and dog! They look sick and hungry. (Continues walking)

Author: Aren't you going to help them?

Luis: Should I? That sounds a bit creepy.

Author: Um, yeah.

Luis: Oh, Okay. Hey boy and dog! Want to spend the night with complete stranger miles away from civilization, where you can yell a lot and no one can hear you?

Author: Wow, when you put it like that it sounds _really_ wrong.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Neb: Hey look! An old man! I wonder if he has any candy?

Denmark: I can already tell I'm going to be the smarter one of the pair…

Neb: Now Bob, that's not a very nice thing to say! Grab the dog and let's go see what the old geezer wants.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Narrator: Well, they went into the dude's house, ate his food, and fell asleep on his couch. Doesn't that seem a little... off?

Author: Well where else is he going to sleep?

Narrator: (Looks at the dozens of doors lining the walls, some of which are guest rooms.) I don't know.

Author: Exactly! Besides he's go Den with him.

Narrator: You mean Bob?

Author: WTF? Not you too!

* * *

I _might_ post another chapter soon, it depends on if guy's read Titanic! Yeah, blackmail, I've sunk that low. **Review**!


	9. Chapter 9

This chapter's kinda short, and not my best work. Sorry about that.

**Disclaimer** All these characters are made of plastic.

* * *

Spoof chapter 9.

Narrator: Well, three years went by and… wait a second. THREE YEARS!?

Author: Yeah. It's 1623. Ben's technically is 16-17ish.

Narrator: Happy Birthday 3x!

Author: You're a bit late.

Narrator: Who gives a damn? Not me! I bet he doesn't even have a birthday!

Author: Of course he does. It's…crap.

Narrator: Let's go ask him! It's not as if this chapter has a plot or anything.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Neb: Workin on a farm thing type. Just mindin my own business. No scary ship on the horizon or anything.

Denmark: Don't you think it's a bit odd to have an animal pen right next to a small cliff?

Neb: No, Bob, I don't.

Denmark: Sigh.

Narrator: Hiya guys. What's up?

Neb: Wow. I haven't seen you guys in…(Starts to count on fingers) three years!

Author: Yeah…time flies.

Neb: Maybe for you it does. We don't have Internet or TV here! I haven't had any news in forever isn't that right Den?

Denmark: Wait, did he just talk to me?

Neb: Whoops, I said Den instead of Bob, everyone knows Dogs can't talk.

Denmark: Double sigh, a dog's life.

Narrator: Um, let's see. Starbucks had taken over the world, Wal-Mart owns Australia, and McDonalds was banished to Antarctica.

Neb: Really?

Author: Quite messing with the boy's head, he's nuts enough as it is. (Turns to Neb) We were just wondering when your birthday is.

Neb: Oh.

Narrator: So when is it?

Neb: How the Hell would I know? Your lucky enough I know what year it is.

Author: Maybe you should pick one.

Neb: Why?

Narrator: Well this is boring. I'm going back and getting some coffee. See you morons later.

Neb: Bye!

Author: You weren't supposed to answer to that.

Neb: Oh.

Denmark: Triple sigh.

Author: Shuffles uncomfortably.

Luis: Hiya guys!

Author: This is stupid. See ya losers!

Luis: Bye!

Neb: You weren't supposed to answer that…oh look! Work to be done elsewhere…

Denmark: Randomly walks away.

Luis: (Looks out to sea) OMG WTH is that?!

Vanderdecken: YARR! THAT IS FORESHADOWING AND YOU BETTER GET COZY WITH IT!

Narrator: Epic Ending FAIL.

* * *

Review!


	10. Chapter 10

Here's a quick update for those who are actually reading this... Titanic is going to be updated soon, and I'll get another chapter of this out soon too.

**Disclaimer:** I owe everything, everything I say!

* * *

Spoof chapter 10

Narrator: Sigh, another month goes by…Please tell me something interesting happens in this chapter.

Author: Well, there's the storm…

Narrator: Let's skip to that part!

Author: But that's three pages of, um, important stuff!

Narrator: SKIP!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Thunder: Clap.

Rain: Wet.

Last Unicorn: Struck by lightning.

Pen: Falls down.

Luis: The sheep are loose!

Neb: So?

Luis: So we have to capture them!

Neb: Why should I?

Luis: Because later I'm going to fall off a cliff and I might need help returning to the hut.

Neb: Oh, well, when you put it like that…

Narrator: Five minutes later.

Luis: Help! I fell off the cliff!

Neb: Nooooooo! Why couldn't I see this coming! Quick, Bob, get help!

Den/Bob: I can't!

Neb: Why not?

Den/Bob: Because we're at the end of the bloody world!

Neb: Oh yeah. (Thinks hard) Go get the Narrator and Author!

Den/Bob: I'll get them as soon as you tell me where they are.

Neb: They're in the studio box!

Den/Bob: And the box is? They call it invisible for a reason you know!

Neb: Speechless!

Denmark: (Not Bob) Author! Do you here me? You better write him smarter in the next chapters!

Neb: New plan! I'll climb down with a rope, and you will pull us up!

Den/Bob: Oh joy…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Luis: Gasp, chock, shiver, dead.

Angel: Well he's dead. When the bell rings get your asses outta here.

Neb: Sob!

Denmark: Slightly more dignified sob.

Neb: Well, since I don't feel like digging a hole, even though I have a dog, I think I'll just set fire to the house like the pyro I am!

Fire: Flames.

House: Burns.

Luis: Still dead.

Neb: Sigh. Even though Luis is dead, I still feel warm inside.

Den/Bob: Maybe that's because we're standing in a burning building…

Neb: Makes since to me!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Narrator: After a long epic struggle to get out of a pyro's heaven…

Neb: Well Bob, I guess this is where we start our long and perilous/almost impossible journey to the top of South America!

Den/Bob: …

Neb: Bob?

Denmark: …

Neb: Nooooooo! Bob's gone!

Denmark: Thank God!

Neb: OMG! A TALKING DOG!

Denmark: This is going to be a long trip.

Author: Maybe if you're lucky I'll make his smarter.

Narrator: Yeah, that'll be the day.

* * *

The more reviews I get, the quicker I'll update!


	11. Chapter 11

...Really people. No reviews? Is it really that bad? I guess I'll post this anyway since I had it done already...

**Disclaimer** Sigh. No.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 11

Narrator: England, 1896…is there a reason we just skipped 273 years?

Author: Not really.

Train: Choo choo!

Smithers: Grumble grumble.

Bow: Yap yap.

Narrator: Ah ha! Pointless dialogue spoken by pointless characters! Finally I get to practice my aim! (Takes out sub-machine paintball gun)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Ben: Behold my new name! And my non-retardedness! And my wickedly cool eyes!

Ned: Behold my non-country name! And my, er, furriness?

Ben: I so got the better deal. I have, like, opposable thumbs!

Narrator: So why did they change their names again?

Author: Because Neb's not a name and Denmark sued for their name back.

Ben: Oh look! Art!

Ned: Must be abstract because it's moving.

Smithers: Get out of my way you silly young ass! (AN/ Whoa, did I just use the actual text?)

Ben: Um, hello? I have thumbs!?

Smithers: Fine. You're a bastard then.

Ben: …Crap, you got me there. You know what, screw this. DEATH GLARE!

Smithers: * Befuddled! *

Ned: Sigh, so much for mild mannered…

Ben: I am! Were. Look, I'm practicing for the 21st century.

Me: True dat!

Ben: Me! I haven't seen you since Voyage of Slaves!

Me: Shhh! Quit foreshadowing! They can't know about the sequel!

Ben: What? You mean Angels Command?

Author: Me thinks its time for a scene change.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Narrator: A boy dressed in black clothing and a spiked collar, and a girl dressed in normal clothing (How weird is that?) walked down the road.

Amy: Welcome to Chapelvale. I'm going to be the only sensible person you'll meet in a long time.

Alex: Silence.

Ben: Well, there's no sense in introducing ourselves since we've all read the book.

Ned: Agreed.

Amy: Aren't dogs supposed to not talk?

Ben: Oh let him, its not fun being mute. Just ignore him. (Looks sideways) So…what's up with him?

Alex: If life were like a rose, I'd be a thorn in your side.

Ben: Emo alert!

Amy: It's just a phase… I hope.

Alex: The knife prepares you for the pain.

Ned: We'd be screwed if this weren't rated Teen.

Amy: (Rolls eyes) Please, he's scared of paper cuts.

Ben: Right…so, you know where we can get some food…because we haven't eaten in days and the Author won't be bothered it write us up a pizza.

Amy: Nope.

Ben: …

Ned: Awkward…

Ben: A scene transition would be nice about now.

Author: Too late, time for the chapter to end. Any last words before the next chapter?

Ben: Nope.

Ned: Ditto.

Amy: Look out for the Grange gang.

Ben: Noted.

Alex: Pain!

Ben: Ignored.

Ned: Hungry!

Narrator: Sigh, I'll call delivery.

* * *

**Review! Please!**


	12. Chapter 12

Uh, this chapter is really short. Mega short. So short, it's not even really a chapter. I only wrote this because I refuse to skip chapters in the book.

**Disclaimer** Nope.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 12

Narrator: About a mile away…

Winnie: Cackle!

Narrator: Winnie, a calmly senile old widow, cackleled about the house, all the while putting things in a cauldron.

Fruit: Splat!

Winnie: Oh why do they throw fruit at my house? I can't use fruit!

Toad: Splat!

Winnie: This'll do.

Narrator: She walks out side, picks up the toad and outs it in the pot.

Random Grange Member: Witch!

Winnie: So? All I do is make soup in cauldrons and act crazy!

Gang: Cares we don't!

Author: This is a pointless chapter.

Narrator: Amen. Let's end it!

Author: Bit soon…but whatever.

Winnie: Pink Puffle Pods

* * *


	13. Chapter 13

I like this chapter, I'm rather proud of it.

**Disclaimer** These characters are all spoofs. Except the Narrator and the Author. I'm cool like that.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 13

Ben: So, what to we talk about in this chapter?

Ned: We talk about barns!

Narrator: Barns?

Author: Barns!

Ben: Barns suck.

Ned: But they have straw!

Ben: So?

Ned: You can roll in it!

Ben: When was the last time you rolled in straw?

Ned: I don't know, 30 years ago?

Ben: You know we're weird when we say decades instead of years…

Narrator: Just do something already!

Ben: Oh look, witch hunters! We should hurt her good! I-I means them. Not the witch.

Author: For some stupid reason only one of you can go. Eney meanie miney Ned.

Ben: Whatever. I'll just sit here and twiddle my opposable thumbs.

Ned: Woof bark snap!

Gang: Scream/runaway/fall/down/in/compost/heap/falls/down/again/gone.

Ben: (Walks into the garden) Time to appear and make it seem like I actually did something.

Winnie: Oh what a clever dog!

Ben: What about me? I have thumbs!

Winnie: Who's a clever boy? You are! You are!

Ben: You know what? I think this woman is dangerous. How about you take credit for this one.

Ned: Lucky me.

Winnie: You deserve pie! Come into my house!

Ben: We are so easily led. What is it about completely strangers inviting us into their houses?

Winnie: All young people like my pie!

Ben: And yet they seem to like throwing crap at your house more…

* * *

So what do you think? **Please Review!**


	14. Chapter 14

Hey everybody. I decided to post this chapter, mainly because a review (Jen () ) said they enjoyed it. Reviews make me work faster!

**Disclaimer **Yep.

* * *

_Chapter 14 of Spoof_

Ben: Eats pie.

Ned: Eats bone.

Winnie: Watching intently.

Pie: Cries out in agonizing pain as it's slowly eaten.

Ben: (Notices Winnie staring at him creepily) Er, what?

Winnie: It's not poisoned!

Narrator: Reason #1 why not to go into a stranger's house.

Ben: Oh…crap…

Winnie: Here, have some of this yellowish liquid I'll call lemon aid for your benefit.

Narrator: Reason #2.

Ben: I'm safe; I have a cell phone the Redwall Company gave me. I can always call for help.

Winnie: Oh yeah, not for any reason or anything, but let me tell you this is a dead zone.

Ben: (Breaks into a sweat)

Ned: I'm sorry about her floor, but I had to bury that bone somewhere…

Winnie: I know! You should live here!

Narrator: Reason #3.

Ben: Shut up! Oh God just shut up! (Starts hyperventilating)

Ned: Uh, what?

Ben: The last time we in this story we stayed at a stranger's house, we stayed there for three fricken years!

Winnie: Help me up the stairs; my left leg isn't so good since I damaged it chasing after the ice cream man….

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Winnie: Foreshadow, Ceylon, foreshadow, I haven't even met my daughter-in-law; I owe my grandchildren over a decade of Birthday Presents, rant rant bye.

Ben: I feel safer knowing she can't climb stairs… and now I shall sleep!

Ned: O…Kay then.

Dream: Bad.

Angel: New mission, blah blah blah, this does not count as child labor, I would know…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Winnie: More pie?

Ben: Y'know I swear she's trying to fatten us up or something.

Ned: Let her, pie can't hurt you…

Ben: So, is this pie like, foreshadowing something or something?

Author: I pie fight could be fun I guess.

Winnie: Time for you to learn the plot!

Ben: (Spits out pie in astonishment)

Table: Covered in pie.

Ben: This story has a plot!?

Winnie: Well duh, I'm senile and I know that.

Ned: (Choking in shock)

Winnie: Okay, here's the plot. A bad man came and told everybody they had to leave, and we don't want to!

Ben: Then don't.

Ned: (No longer choking) Wow. We solved this in record time!

Winnie: But I own the village!

Ben: Obviously not if you have to leave.

Winnie: I missed placed the deeds.

Ben: Ugggggggghhhhh.

Ned: Of course you did.

Ben: I just want this day to end! What's left?

Narrator: You have to do the dishes.

Ben: Ugggggggghhhhh.

Ned: I think I'm going to sit this one out. Let your opposable thumbs get the credit they disserve.

* * *

I laugh everytime I read this. I hope you guys do too. Please Review!


	15. Chapter 15

Another chapter whoo hoo! I'm such a nice person! Makes ya want to review doesn't it?

**Disclaimer **FANfiction. As in Fan written!

* * *

Spoof Chapter 15

Clock: Wake the hell up!

Ben: (Waking the hell up) Wow, that was some party last night!

Ned: You washed the dishes, and then you went to bed.

Ben: But then I snuck out the window and crashed the Narrator/Author's party last night! There were so many people in there I thought the Studio Box was going to fall out of the sky!

Ned: There was a party and you didn't tell me?!

Ben: I forgot.

Ned: But how did you find it? It's invisible!

Ben: Sometime in the last 300 years, I learned that it moves to be directly above where the action is. It's above the house right now.

Ned: Soooo. Just how wild was this party?

Ben: Everybody they knew from college and prison. They're probably still up there with monster hangovers.

Ned: That would explain why they haven't commented yet…

Ben: Ned?

Ned: Sulk.

Ben: Look, I'll make it up to you! Here, I'll read this note the old bag left. Betcha want to find out what it says huh?

Ned: …

Ben: It says, "Went shopping." (Pauses) Don't you think she's a bit too trusting letting two complete strangers alone in her house? She would let Jack the Ripper stay if he asked.

Ned: Jack the Ripper would be freaked to stay here.

Ben: Huh?

Ned: There are bars on all the windows and doors.

Ben: (Pales) Those weren't there yesterday!

Ned: She had them put in this morning.

Ben: Oh God, I gotta get out of here!

Ned: (Looks out the window) Hey look, its emo boy and miss congeniality out there.

Ben: HELP US!

Amy: What's up?

Ben: The lady belongs in the whacky shack! She locked me in here!

Alex: The body is a chain to freedom.

Amy: (Takes out a hair pin and unlocks the door)

Ben: Wow, how'd you do that?

Amy: I'M NORMAL I TELL YOU NORMAL!

Ben: …Right.

Ned: Now what?

Ben: I'm going to do research. You're not coming with.

Ned: Harsh. Sometimes I swear you treat me like a dog.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Braithwaite: Behold my dandruff! And my no life! And the fact that I live in the school library!

Ben: This is boring. I already knew this from the first time I read the story.

Amy: Shall we skip to the conflict?

Ben: Might as well.

Alex: Let the darkness consume you!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooOoOoOoOoOo

Gang: (In a circle)

Ben: That's a nice shape you got there.

Wilf: Since my dad's going to force all these kid's parents out of their homes, that makes me the leader!

Me: That's called FLASE LOGIC! Sheesh, what are you hicks thinking?

Ben: Sooo. Any reason you guys are, like, in a circle?

Wilf: You're a coward!

Ben: Okay. What else?

Wilf: Um, you're a yellowbelly?

Ben: Established. Moving on.

Wilf: …

Ben: Sigh, I can't wait until the 21st century. At least the insults are creative then.

Gang: Fight mode!

Ned: (Appears randomly) Bite mode!

Gang: Flee mode!

Ben: Well that was lame.

Amy: I'll say.

Alex: The glass is half empty.

Ben/Amy/Ned: Stares.

Alex: I'm running out of emo crap to say.

Amy: Maybe you should just brood, like Fang. He get's fan girls for it.

Alex: Alright!

Ben: Sigh. Wish I had fan girls. For some reason Ned gets them all…

Ned: That's because I'm tight dog!

* * *

Yeah, I'm a sucker for cheesey ending lines...

Please review!


	16. Chapter 16

Sorry for the lateness. I've had other stuff on my mind. (NaNo, enough said)

* * *

Spoof Chapter 16

Narrator: Still unconscious.

Author: Still stuffed in the refrigerator.

Ben: (Sitting extremely still)

Winnie: (Staring intently at Ben)

Ned: (Hiding under the table)

Ben: (Breaks the silence) Sooo. What's in the locked room up-stairs?

Winnie: That, young man, is the torture room.

Ben: Oh. That's, err, pleasant.

Winnie: Isn't it? It's a tribute to my husband. He was buried in that room.

Ben: … I see …

Winnie: Would you like to see?

Ben: Um, okay.

Winnie: More shopping first!

Ben: Hmm, shopping. Maybe the torture room wouldn't be so bad… (Drags Ned out the door)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooOoOoOoOoOoOo

Winnie: Let's see, beetle eyes, frogspawn, oh! I forgot cocoa! (Go's back inside)

Ben: FREEDOM!

Shock Collar: ZAP!

Ben: Falls down.

Ned: Enter the by-standers!

Alex: (Brooding)

Amy: You reminded me of Alex when he was younger. He had to learn not to go to the end of his leash.

Ben: This is, (twitch) slightly more extreme.

Winnie: I'm back!

Shock Collar: ZAP!

Ben: Ahhhh! (Drops)

Winnie: Oops. Hit the button by accident.

Ben: Oops?! You did that on bloody purpose!

Winnie: Shrug.

Ned: Hey look, it's the living art!

Bowe: Yap.

Shock Collar: ZAP!

Ben: (Drops like a brick)

Ned: Snigger.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Narrator: Meh.

Author: Let me out!

Narrator: (Looks around at the stirring bodies) I feel like crap. (Looks in randomly placed mirror) Look like crap too. (Meatball sub falls onto his head from the ceiling)

Author: MENTAL BREAK DOWN!

Narrator: Unconscious again.

* * *

Not much of a chapter, but I don't leave chapters behind! (No matter how boring or hard it is to make funny.)


	17. Chapter 17

Wow, time to update? I didn't think I'd have time during NaNo but I was glad I was wrong.

**Disclaimer **Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 17

Me: Because nothing happens in chapter 17, and because the Narrator and the Author are still out of it, I have decided to try and infiltrate the Grange Gang!

Wilf: Who are you?

Me: I'm Me of course! Wait, say something.

Wilf: Uh, something.

Me: Wow, you have the same audio voice as Martin the Warrior. Kind of ironic.

Regina: What about me?

Me: Can't tell. I'm trying to figure out why anyone would name their child Regina.

Regina: Shut up Me!

Me: …That sure made sense…

Wilf: You're a coward!

Me: Oh not this bull again.

Wilf: …

Me: You need some new insults! Let's see, yo mama so fat, she tripped, I tried not to laugh but the ground started crackin up.

Wilf: Sniff.

Me: For Christ's sakes, I didn't mean it! It's an insult! Sheesh what a loser.

Wilf: Oh, I get it now. Your mama's a coward!

Me: Fail. Punch.

Wilf: Sniffle.

Me: Hmmm. I wonder why there aren't any teenagers over the age of fourteen around here to teach you prats a lesson.

Light bulb: Ding!

Me: Hey! I could take over the gang!

Regina: Really?

Me: No. It says write here in the book that the leader of the Gang punches a brick wall. I'm not the thick y'know.

Wilf: Good! Wait, what?

Me: Throw.

Rock: Hits Wilf's head.

Wilf: Cries.

Me: You have got to be the worst bully in the history of all bullies…I'd hate to be the actor who has to play you if this ever becomes a movie.

Wilf: Still weeping.

Ned: Hey! Why weren't you at the teashop? I'm supposed to chase you!

Me: Oopps. I kind of side tracked him. I'll leave the pain bringing to you.

Ned: Chase!

Wilf: Sob!

Me: Loser.

* * *

What a loser. Reviews are nice...


	18. Chapter 18

Here's chapter 18 for you. Don't know when the next update will be since NaNo's still going on. I'm at 20,000 words!

In other news, they've canceled school twice because of this massive storm flooding the downtown tunnel. More time to write!

**Disclaimer** This message represents the official view of the voices in my head

* * *

Spoof Chapter 18

Maud: Yap yap yap, cough, passes out.

Mrs. Smithers: Um, the dog passed out again.

Smithers: Oh well, leave her there anyway.

Maud: …

Wilf: (Climbs through the window) (Mysteriously unscathed from the previous chapter)

Me: Somehow I don't think I could get away with climbing throw the window at my house…

Wilf: Eeek! It's Me! He's followed me here!

Me: Please, I have better things to do than follow your sissy self around. Someone has to listen in on this conversation.

Smithers: So, have you beaten up anybody lately?

Me: Family ethics anyone? Sale at Wal-Mart!

Wilf: Err, yeah. Lots.

Smithers: How about old Mrs. Winn? Thrashed her yet?

Me: Cough cough, whoa, cough.

Wilf: BIG BAD DOG CHASE ME I CAN'T!

Ned: Snarl.

Wilf: Squeak!

Smithers: Don't worry about the dog, I can always shoot it….

Me: Which would set the wrath of an angry bird kid upon you…

Smithers: Oh yeah! Beat the crap out of that other boy. He defied me!

Me: This family has so many social issues…

Smithers: If you want you can join us?

Darth Vader: Come to the dark side!

Me: Uh, no.

Darth Vader: Choke force!

Smithers: Ack, cough.

Me: Uh, wrong person Annie.

Darth Vader: Lightning!

Maud: ZAP! (Stopped heart starts beating again)

Me: Getting out before a certain someone's aim improves…

* * *

Meh.

Okay everybody, next chapter, BEST EVER! It's deffinately my favorite. Too bad you'll have to wait. Review!


	19. Chapter 19

Yeah, it's been a while. NaNo's still going on, but it's almost over and soon updates are going to be flowing like crazy. Seriously people. In the mean time, I'm posting Chapter Nineteen! This is so my favorite chapter. I'd like to thank all you special people who review my stories.

**Disclaimer **It should be illegal to own stuff. Yeah.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 19

Ben: Finally! This story is back on track!

Ned: Yeah yeah, we know. It's all about you.

Ben: Of course!

Winnie: Behold! The torture room!

Ben: It's empty.

Winnie: NOT FOR LONG! (Push)

Ben: NOOOOO!

Door: SLAM!

Key: Locking said door.

Ned: How did I end up here? She didn't shove me!

Ben: Who bloody gives a damn? We're bloody trapped in here!

Ned: Sigh. Let's review! The Narrator and Author are…well, not here. Me is tormenting Wilf, Winnie is doing God knows what, I think we're trapped.

Ben: No dip Sherlock! I just said that!

Ned: Wait; didn't she say she buried her husband in this room?

Ben: It's empty!

Ned: !

Secret Passage: Opens.

Ben: But it's leading down! That's impossible!

Ned: Why?

Ben: Because we're on the second floor!

Ned: Hmm, maybe she is a witch! We shall proceed with care!

Ben: Trip! (Falls down the steps bringing Ned with him)

Ned: Ow.

Ben: Treasure!

Ned: Where?

Ben: Everywhere!

Ned: I think you hit your head.

Ben: Its mine, all mine!

Ned: (Takes a step away)

Body: In coffin.

Ben: WTF she's a flipping vampire!

Ned: Or it's just a coffin.

Ben: (Walks over and knocks on the coffin) Knock knock. Anybody alive? Err, undeadish?

Coffin: Silence

Ben: (Sigh of relief)

Coffin: Rap Rap.

Ben: Scared!

Ned: Only slightly scared!

Zombie: Arg!

Ben: OMG A ZOMBIE PIRATE!

Ned: ZOMG! (Zombies Oh My God)

Ben: Bolt!

Ned: Where to? Still trapped here!

Zombie: Moan!

Ben: Hey look! A bible! (Grabs bible) Die unholy thing die! (Bashes it over the zombie's head)

Zombie: Trips.

Ben/Ned: Races upstairs!

Winnie: Oh good! You lived!

Ben: WTH?

Winnie: The bible! Did you get it?

Ben: You used us as bait!

Ned: Oh look! A clue! Now the chapter can end.

Ben: No, no, no. I refuse! I want to know why there's a zombie in your house!

Winnie: What? Did you think my husband was dead?

Ben: …

Ned: Ben, we got the clue, just let it go.

Ben: All right. Mild-mannered once more.

Ned: Good.

Ben: YOUBLOODYCRAZYLADY!

* * *

What a poor old senile lady. Poor Ben. Hey people, I can take requests! What do you want to see in future chapter? **Please REVIEW!**


	20. Chapter 20

Really short chapter I know, but I refuse to skip the chapters in the book. Sorry about the slow updates, this is hopefully the first of many.

**Disclaimer** No Canadian coins

* * *

Spoof Chapter 20

Ben: Church? We're going to church? I can't get much holier than I already am. Besides, you're a witch!

Winnie: Yes, but I can't let other people know that!

Ned: So if the Church says animals don't have souls, but I have an Angel giving me orders, what does that make me?

Ben: A lucky dog that doesn't have to go to church!

Church: Big!

Bell: Nonexistent!

Wilf: Strangely nice!

Threatening Letter: Not very threatening!

Library: Spelled Wrong!

Ben: This is just plain old pathetic!

Amy: So you're going to fight Wilf huh? We'll hide in the bushes as back up.

Alex: What? Who died and made you boss?

Ben: Speaking of dying, guess which one of us dies in a couple chapters!

Amy: Foreshadow much?

Me: (Cough cough, spoiler alert SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDOR, cough cough)

Narrator: I'm alive! And I'm back in the spoof!

Author: (Still stuck in the refrigerator)

Narrator: Hmmm, but something seems missing…

Author: Mph!

* * *

Next chapter: Ben meets Jon, and steals his shot gun!


	21. Chapter 21

Soooo. Titanic is in my beta's pocket, so I figured this would tide people over. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer** First pull up, then pull down.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 21

Narrator: Village square deserted, nice day, moving on.

Ben: Narrator, your back! Where's the Author?

Narrator: …Oh yeah…I'll grab him later.

Author: Muffle!

Ben: Time to make friends with the crazy guy!

Jon: I see you I shoot you git off my land.

Ben: BOLT!

Narrator: Well he sure was nice.

Ben: SUPPA SPY SKILLS ACTIVATE! (Hums mission impossible theme)

Jon: (Starts singing)

Ben: Ha! What a loser! Leave it to Brian Jacques to put a song in a book where it doesn't belong.

Jon: Oh, er, me? Singing? Naw. Hmmm, where'd I put me gun?

Ben: You mean this? (Holds up shotgun)

Jon: Aren't you a little young to be playing with firearms?

Ben: I'm ancient. You're what, sixty?

Jon: I was at sea for fifty years!

Ben: Wawawait a minute. If you had to be like twenty to join the navy, then fifty years…you are way too old to be in this story!

Jon: But Miss Winn is old!

Ben: She's calmly senile. There's a difference. You're so old you make this story creepy.

Narrator: I think he becomes a semi main character though. How do we replace him?

Ben: Hmmm. Where do we find a not so old guy by the name of Jon.

Jon: I know someone. Let me go get him. (Walks out)

Ben: Oh look, a clue! This story's is moving along quite nicely.

Jon: (Walks in with a fake mustache) Hi, I'm Jon. Jon's replacement.

Ben: Your perfect for the job! Much better than that singing dork.

Jon: Uh, yeah. What a loser. Sigh.

Ben: You look so young, I bet you can do a back flip!

Jon: Aw hell no!

Narrator: Yo Blondie, don't you have a fight to be in?

Ben: Yeppers. Good thing I got me a shotgun!

Jon: What about me?

Ben: I dunno, go free the Author or something?

Author: Running out of air!

* * *

Who wants cake? Reviewers get cake. Good cake. Moist cake.


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer** Make sure you are in a secure before reading this.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 22

Me: This isn't going to work.

Wilf: Shut up!

Me: You're going to regret it.

Wilf: I said shut up!

Me: Rude hand jester.

Narrator: Honestly Me, give him a rest. If he wants to be stupid let him.

Regina: You're the stupid one!

Me: (Rolls eyes) Oh noes! You called me stupid! How will I ever recover from such a devastating insult!

Ben: Hey Me, what's up?

Me: Not much. Why are you holding a shotgun?

Ben: (Cocks it) Insurance.

Wilf: Charge!

Ben: Sidestep.

Wilf: Rushes past.

Narrator: After about 10 minutes of this…

Wilf: Punch!

Ben: Duck.

Brick wall: Haha, you hit like a girl!

Wilf: Holy Sh… (faints)

Regina: You're a coward because you wouldn't get punched in the face! (Grabs the shotgun from Ben)

Me: Yeah, like getting shot is braver that getting punch…

Gun: BAM!

Bullet: Misses intended victim.

Alex: Dammit! (Dies)

Ben: Way to go. You killed non-emo boy.

Regina: OMG I killed him! (Runs away crying)

Gang: Follows.

Wilf: Still lying there.

Ben: (Inspects the body) Hmmm. He's dead. Couldn't say I didn't see that coming what with all the lame excuse for foreshadowing.

Amy: Well this is going to suck telling my parents. You needn't worry about Alex being late for dinner mom, because he died as a result of Gang violence. Will you please pass the salt?

Ben: (Shrugs) Maybe. I was hoping to use the shotgun to kill the zombie, but I'll have to more ammunition first.

Me: Hey I have an idea! I bet the Author could write him alive again.

Narrator: That…might just work.

Ben: If not, we could always get miss Winn to turn him undead. You guys go ahead. I have a job to do.


	23. Chapter 23

Here you are, have fun!

**Disclaimer**: Please do not feed the zombie.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 23

Winnie: Gabble gabble.

Hetty: Gossip gossip.

Ned: Hmm. I wonder if there are any golden retrievers about…

Hetty: Oh yeah, I forgot. Some people are coming over from London to beat the snap out of ya.

Winnie: Let them come! My zombie will take care of them!

Ned: That might not coincide with Ben's plan to blow its head off…

Me: Author! Are you alive?

Jon: I got him out of the fridge. Now I got to go. Desperate Housewives starts in a couple minutes. (Leaves)

Amy: Good. He has a job to do.

Author: (covered in pudding) Where's Blondie?

Narrator: Out killing the undead or something.

Author: Oh wait a minute. I just remembered! I hate you!

Me: What else is new? (Turns to the Narrator) Maybe you should leave.

Narrator: My house. Make me.

Author: (Pushes the Narrator off the patio)

Narrator: (screams as he falls three stories)

Ben: Here zombie zombie zombie. Here zombie zombie zombie.

Zombie: Moan!

Shotgun: BAM!

Zombie's Head: (Blows up)

Zombie's Body: (Falls)

Ben: Victory!

Winnie: (Speaking to Hetty) This is where I keep my husband…WTF you killed him!

Ben: Well he was kinda already dead…

Winnie: Now I need a replacement body!

Ben: Good thing I know where to find one!

Author: There you go, all alive again!

Alex: I'm alive!

Ben: Not for long!

Shotgun: BAM!

Alex: Fuc…dies.

Amy: Sigh.

Author: You mean I did all that work for nothing!

Ben: Winnie needs a body. There's a body. Now back off, I still have a shoot left!

Amy: And how the hell am I supposed to explain this to my parents?

Ben: Just tell them that Alex is going to be living in Winnie's torture room from now on. (Drags body over to the door and pushes it off)

Body: (Falls on the Narrator)

Narrator: Uph!

Ben: (Jumps down and lands on the body that landed on the Narrator.

Winnie: So this is my replacement body? He has holes in him!

Ben: Yeppers. Just make him undead again.

Winnie: Witch Power ZAP!

Alex: I'm alive!

Ned: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just get in the stupid coffin already.

Winnie: Don't worry; I'll be back to feed you in a week.

Alex: (Arm falls off) Crud.


	24. Chapter 24

One chapter at a time.

**Disclaimer** Please don't tap the glass.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 24

Narrator: I think my legs are broken.

Author: Walk it off, wuss.

Narrator: Screw you.

Ben: Right. Time to actually get back to the story.

Narrator/Author: Gasp!

Ben: Yeah, I know, I'm pretty shocked too, but we gotta keep this story moving y'know?

Author: I'm not even sure I know which part of the story we're on anymore.

Ned: Chapter 24, we go over to Jons.

Jon: Hey, don't I get a say in the matter?

Amy: Nope, we have to find a clue!

Jon: Fine, but according to the book you have to clean my house first.

Ben: Or we could just skip that part.

Jon: But the book says…

Ben: This ain't the book. It's a crack-pot version that's being written by a high schooler who's sitting at home in pajamas and eating chocolate.

Me: …

Amy: Besides, its sexiest to make a woman clean.

Author: Honey, it's 1896, we're all sexist. Just give up and go make us some sandwiches.

Amy: Give me a minute to think up a comeback.

Author: Well you better comeback with a freaking sandwich!

Ned: I want eggs!

Me: And bacon.

Author: But I thought you wanted a sandwich?

Ben: Screw sandwiches, I want toast.

Jon: Here, you can have these VILLIERS AFTERNOON TEA WAFFERS hint hint clue!

Ned: Why don't I smell food cooking?

Amy: Because I'm not cooking for you and you can't make me! I'll burn the house down before you do.

Ben: (Looks down) thinks (Oh look, a clue. I should point this out.)

Ned: Hey look everybody, a clue!

Ben: Damn, Ned, beat me to it. I swear its like that dog can read my mind or something,

Narrator/Author: …

Jon: Good, we found a clue! Even though Ben could probably translate it perfectly, let's go see dandruff head!

Braithwaite: Bla bla bla FIND TREASURE!

Ben: Cool, a hunt!

Ned: I adore the hunt. I miss the 1600's…

Ben: So do I.

Me: I just miss the rum.

* * *

At the time I was writing this chapter, I believe I was in pajamas and eating chocolate.


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer**: OMG HELP I'M BEING CHASED BY ANGRY .

* * *

Spoof Chapter 25

Narrator: A little while later, when they got back to Jon…

Jon: So, how about some of that cleaning?

Everyone: Silence.

Jon: …

Ben: Jon, do me a favor and go bang your head against a wall.

Author: Right, so the riddle. Let's pay attention to that now, okay?

Amy: Take the Commands paces West. What does that mean?

Ben: I dunno, let's look at the script? (Looks at a crumpled piece of paper) Ten paces. And I'm supposed to wink.

Narrator: No one "winks" anymore. That's lame.

Jon: What else does it say?

Ben: Um, something about a slap in the face… and the Author.

Narrator: Oh fun! (Slaps the Author!)

Author: WTH?

Ben: I think it meant figuratively. Like Recognition?

Narrator: Oh.

Ben: Um, Ned? Why are you sitting on top of a rock?

Ned: Uh, I have no idea. It smelled like a clue so I, uh, sat on it.

Ben: …Did someone have a senior moment?

Amy: That's okay Ned. We'll love you even if you are getting on in years. We'll love you even if you have to wear diapers in your old age. We'll love you…

Ben: Speak for yourself women! I'm not traveling with him if I have to change diapers. I'll put him in a retirement home.

Ned: I can't be getting old! I'm too young to die alone in a home!

Me: Cough, you guys don't age.

Ben/Ned: Oh yeah.

Ned: I'm not going to die a slow and horrible death in a home!

Me: But you guys never were…nevermind.

Ben: Anyway, we have to go west.

Jon: Hmm, well I know the old Jon was a seaman, and I'm definitely not him, but west is that way. (Points out the window) Isn't that right Ben?

Ben: (Checks the GPS system mounted on the wall.) Yep.

Amy: Have you been to sea Ben?

Ben: The Sea? Me? Naw, that's silly. You're silly.

Narrator: After they all climbed out of the window…

Jon: Now we have to find the heavenly twins.

Author: Hey, that could be Ben and Ned!

Ned: Do I look like a human? Don't insult me like that again!

Amy: Found them, we go dat way.

Jon: Not today we don't! We have to stretch out the hunt for plot reasons. See ya!

* * *

Must...crawl...to...mac...must...type...more...


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer ** This chapter represents the official view of the voices in my head.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 26

Narrator: Its night, and Mrs. Winn and Ben were trying to solve the riddle. At least trying to try.

Winnie: (Subdued after taking her medication) Ughhhhh.

Ben: That's nice, but can you help me out here?

Winnie: No Henry I will not go to Prom with you!

Ben: Sigh, never mind, I'll just go look it up on Wikipedia. (Leaves the room)

Winnie: Mumbling darkly to herself.

Ned: I sense something! (Walks outside)

Narrator: Outside there is a fat kid taping something onto the door.

Ned: Woof.

Fat Kid: (Screams and runs away)

Ben: (Walks out) Um Ned? Why are you screaming like a little girl?

Ned: It wasn't me!

Ben: (Looks around) Well no one else is here so it must be you. Maybe you should start taking some of Mrs. Winn's medication.

Ned: Why do I even bother?

Ben: Oh look, a note! (Reads note) Oh fun, I get to sneak out tomorrow. Maybe something interesting will happen in this story.

Me: You mean like a faster update? Like that will ever happen.


	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer** enim toN.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 27

Narrator: The next morning they met at Jon's. (Pause) Am I the only one seeing a recurring theme here?

Amy: Now we go left. Never mind that the deeds are to the right. We're so going left!

Narrator: Sixty-seconds later…

Ben: Crap, we're stumped again.

Jon: Well, we can always go and visit dandruff-head. He's read this book so many times I'm sure he knows what we should be doing.

Ben: I know, let's go catch a ride with that dairyman!

Will: Do you mind if I take a detour? I'm looking for my lost puppy. Here, have some candy!

Amy/Jon: Yay!

Ben: Here we go again.

Will: Here we are, my house!

Amy: I thought we were looking for your puppy.

Will: I forgot I left the puppy in her box. Wanna come inside and see her?

Amy/Jon: Yeah!

Ben: Um, no thanks. I've had enough of going into stranger's houses.

Will: (Takes a threatening step forward)

Amy/Jon: Run into the house.

Ben: (Trips backwards and falls into a well) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Will: (Mutters to himself) Ugh, not another one. Oh well, time to go feed that puppy!

Ben: Glub glub!

Ned: (Randomly walking by)

Ben: Ned, Ned! I fell down a well!

Ned: I can see that.

Ben: Well go get some help then!

Ned: You can't boss me around like that!

Ben: But I'm the main character! The story can't progress without me!

Ned: Hmmm. I thinks.

Ben: Glub, Well think faster!

Ned: Sigh, I guess I'll go find the Author.

* * *

Ned: (Finds the Author)

Author: What is it boy? What is it? Has someone fallen down a well?

Ned: Give me a treat and I'll tell you.

Author: I don't have a treat but I know where I can get you a bone!

Ned: Right. Ben fell down a well. Go write him up a ladder or something.

Author: (Runs off)

* * *

Ben: Tired…of treading…water…goodbye…Ned filled world…

Ladder: (Falls down the well and hits Ben on the head)

Ben: Sinks.

Author: Oh dear.

Ben: (Opens eyes and thinks) Treasure! (Grabs the Chalice)

Ned: Is he dead?

Ben: (Climbs up the ladder)

Author: Nope.

Ned: The story continues…

* * *

Ben: Hey Ned, that's a mighty fine bone you got there!

Ned: It was the first reward!

Ben: Huh?

Ned: The Author told me the treasure idea was scraped, so instead I'm going to save your life, four times. Wish me luck!

Ben: WTF!

Alex: (In coffin) Um, what happen to my arm?


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the story gosh dang it.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 28

Ben: Yo ho, guess what!

Winnie: What?

Ben: Party at the creepy farmer's house tonight! There will be alcohol and treasure and alcohol!

Winnie: Did you say treasure!

Ben: And alcohol!

Winnie: I'm going to dress up in my wedding outfit! (Runs out of the room)

Ben: What a sweet deranged old lady.

Will: I agree. (Standing right behind Ben)

Ben: WTF?

Will: (Chloroforms Ben) Shhhhh. That's it. Just go to sleep.

Ben: (Struggles for a second, then goes limp)

Winnie: (Arrives in her dead husband's wedding tux) Party Time!

Will: (Shoves Ben in a sack) I got the boy, let's go!

Narrator: The pair exit and walk arm in arm to a house and bugee, dragging the sack behind them. Then Will threw the sack into the bugee, to join the other sacks that held Amy, Jon, and Ned.

* * *

Narrator: I feel like all I'm good for is scene transitions.

Winnie: Whoo! (Falls over drunk)

Ben Filled Sack: (Muffle)

Narrator: Weren't we supposed to let him out once we got here?

Will: (Drunk) What did you say about my mother? (Takes a punch at the Narrator and hits the Author)

Author: Oi, watch it!

Winnie: Watch this! (Jumps off the kitchen table and lands on Will's elderly mother)

Everybody: Silence.

Author: Did Mrs. Winn just body slam an old lady?

Will's Mom: (Suddenly lifts Winnie up in the air and throws her out the window) Take that you old witch! (Then she leaps out after her)

Narrator: Will and the Author ran outside to watch the cat fight. Will's wife and son aren't in this story, probably because of the restraining order Elaine got on Will. Suddenly, Ben's arm broke free of the sack. Eventually he clawed his way out.

Ben: (Heavy breathing) Alright Ben. Pull yourself together. All of the crazies are outside. Let's get to work on the story.

Narrator: Ben staggered over to the door and locked it before going to untie the other sacks.

Ben: All right everybody. We only have a couple of minutes before they stop trying to kill each other. We need to find a clue if this story is ever going to be finished.

Amy: What we need is a map. All stories with treasure in them have treasure maps.

Ben: You're right! Ned, you know what to do!

Ned: ! (Walks over to a picture frame) Found it.

Jon: Well that was easy.

Ben: (Inspects the map) Huh. So the treasure is under a tree, near a prison, and under a rock. Those are great places to hide treasure!

Amy: Soooo, you doing anything tonight Ben?

Ben: I'm sneaking out tonight.

Amy: We should hang out. At midnight. With know adults.

Ben: Actually, I was planning on traumatizing Wilf, possibly doing him emotional harm that will require hundreds of pounds worth of counseling that will never work, causing Wilf to become an alcoholic who lives with his parents for the rest of his life.

Ned: Aren't we so Angelic?

Jon: Cough cough, look out the window.

Narrator: Outside Winnie and Will's mother were rolling around in the mud. Will and the Author were looking bored and were walking back to the house.

Ben: Crap, here they come. Everybody, grab the alcohol and let's get out of here!


	29. Chapter 29

Today I realized how I'm going to end this story. I'm rather excited about it.

**Disclaimer**: Zombies ahead.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 29

Ben: Nighty night Miz Winn!

Narrator: Ben smiled fondly at the old lady as he tightened the straight jacket around her and then locked the bedroom door, tightening the chains securing it.

Ben: Now that she can't kill us in our sleep, let's go get Alex and go meet the others.

Ned: Should we be letting him out of the torture room? When was the last time he was fed?

Ben: I'm sure he'll behave himself. He just needs some flesh air. Haha, get it? Flesh instead of fresh. You see it's funny because he's a zombie and… (Trips and falls down the torture room steps)

* * *

Wilf: Ha, its ten minutes to midnight, and since he's not here ten minutes early he must not be coming. I win!

Ben: Hiya Wilf! How's the hand, still bloody and broken?

Regina: OMG, is that Alex, I thought I killed him.

Author: You did. (Arrives on the scene with the Narrator and Amy in tow) But then I wrote him back to life but then he was killed again via same shotgun and now he's a zombie.

Regina: He has holes in him… and his arm is missing… I think I'm going to be sick.

Ned: (Looks at Alex) Sorry about the arm.

Ben: Wait, Regina is about to become Retchina! You get it? Like retching…

Alex: Brains! (Grabs Regina and starts gnawing her arm)

Ben: Bad Alex! (Yanks at the leash) Drop it! Heel! Amy, tell your brother to stop eating people, its not polite.

Ned: Like you know how to be polite.

Regina: (Runs off clutching her arm)

Author: Um, should we go after her? We don't need another zombie epidemic. Remember Voyage of Slaves? I don't think Italy ever recovered from that.

Narrator: I still get nightmares from that.

Wilf: Uh, right. So, yeah. Back to the reason we're here tonight… I want Ben to go into the creepy dude's house.

Ben: You mean Will's? Because his mother is the shiz.

Wilf: No, I mean Jon's house.

Ben: Oh, you mean that singing dork. Okay then, but you have to come with me.

Wilf: But it's scary.

Alex: I'll go if you let me off my leash.

Amy: Not happening brother.

Ben: Aw, why not? I'm sure he's learned his lesson.

Amy: He just tried to eat someone two minutes ago! Look, he's trying to eat the Author right now!

Author: Get him away from me, I can't take another Italy!

Alex: Sorry, but I haven't been fed.

* * *

Narrator: So Ben and Wilf started up the path to Jon's house. Or rather, Ben dragged Wilf up to Jon's house.

Ben: Why on earth would you dare me to go somewhere that you're not willing to go yourself?

Wilf: (Sniffle) Because I didn't read the book and I didn't know this would happen.

Ben: You sir, need some professional help. The good news is that by the end of this night, I'm going to make sure you get that help. (Arrives at Jon's front door and knocks)

Narrator: The door flew open to reveal Jon standing in the doorway wearing a pink bath robe and wearing a face mask and nose pad.

Jon: What is it, I'm missing my soap.

Wilf: (Screams and faints)

Ben: Hi, I was wondering if you would like to buy a subscription to the Redwall Company Newsletter.

Jon: Not interested. (Slams the door)

Ben: (Walks down to the others)

Author: What happen?

Ben: He didn't want to buy one.

Author: Pity.

Amy: Well I have to get back home, I'm missing my soap. Bye Alex, behave!

Ben: I think it's time we head back too, I locked up Miz Winn but I don't think it'll hold her for long.

Ned: Plus if we don't get back soon, Alex might eat someone.

Alex: Regina tasted nasty.

Ben: Tomorrow we hunt for treasure!

Ned: And I get a chance at my next reward!

* * *

In case you don't remember, Ned gets a reward when he saves Ben's life.


	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer**: Not meant for human consumption.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 30

Narrator: It was a bright and sunny day in Chapleville, except over the Smither's household. Over the Smither's household it was dark and storming.

Hetty: Here you are folks; I cooked you up a nice non-poisoned breakfast with some poisoned…I mean non-poisoned coffee.

Mrs. Smithers: Thank you Hetty. Why don't take some to Wilf. He came back late last night.

Smithers: Don't bother. He was probably out punching more brick walls.

Bowe: He's an idiot.

Smithers: Hey, only I can call my son an idiot!

Bowe: I'm just saying, like father like son.

Narrator: As Smithers and Bowe continued arguing, a squirrel hopped in through the window and began nibbling at Mr. Smither's breakfast. It then promptly keeled over dead. Then, not noticing the squirrel, Miss Bowe picked up a plate of food and threw it at Smithers. In response, Smithers dumped his coffee on her head and they both stormed out in a huff.

Mrs. Smithers: (Looks around) Well hell if I'm cleaning this up. Hetty, get your ass in here! (Departs)

Hetty: (Grumbles) All the trouble I went through to try and kill them and how do they repay me? By throwing food everywhere!

Narrator: Hetty turned around then to find a very undead Regina gnawing at a squirrel.

Hetty: Um, hello?

Regina: Brains! (Bites Hetty's ankle)

Hetty: Sigh, no dear, the brains are in the head, right here. (Points to her head)

Regina: Brains! (Bites Hetty's head this time)

Hetty: Geezus, zombies these days. They can't tell feet from brains. I can see she'll need someone to teach her. And someone to practice on. (Looks at the Narrator)

Narrator: Over my dead body. And then the chapter ended.


	31. Chapter 31

Okay, I really want this story done.

**Disclaimer** SOPA, bite my shiny metal ass.

* * *

Spoof Chapter 31

Amy: Good morning Ben, you look a little pale today.

Ben: Oh it's nothing… just if we're going to be looking for treasure today than it probably means that my life is in mortal danger, or at least to the new plot.

Narrator: (Looks at the Author) How's that going by the way?

Author: Shut up.

Narrator: Anyway, let's see what we got here. Ben, Ned, Amy, and Jon are looking for treasure. All the other characters weren't invited because they are either unimportant, crazy, or too dangerous.

Jon: Nice to know I don't fall into any of those categories.

Ben: Well someone had to drive us here. No one here has a license.

Narrator: Revoked.

Author: Never passed the test.

Ned: So where are we exactly?

Narrator: In some random field next to some random tree. Start looking for treasure!

Amy/Jon (Start looking for said treasure)

Author: (Notices Ben standing alone) shouldn't you be helping out blondie?

Ben: Oh I'm good thank you.

Ned: Stop being a wuss. We're in the middle of nowhere. I'm sure nothing will try and kill you out here.

Ben: I guess you could be right. (Starts walking over to the tree)

Narrator: Just then, the ground began to shake!

Ben: Crap.

Narrator: At the base of the tree a hole opened up and a pair of evil red eyes appeared.

Ben: No… it can't be…

Ned: The chances of this happening now, after all these years…

Amy: I don't get it. What's down there?

Ben: MOLE PEOPLE!

* * *

Everything will be explained. Eventually.


	32. Chapter 32

I really like this chapter. It makes me want to keep writing.

**Disclaimer**: I own the Mole People. Jealous much?

* * *

Spoof Chapter 32

Amy: Mole People?

Ben: They swore they'd get revenge, but that was nearly two centuries ago.

Amy: Wut?

Narrator: (Turns to the readers) You see boys and girls, this is a spoiler from the Angel's Spoof, which hasn't been written yet. This is not the first time we've had a run in with these freaks of nature.

Author: We had just thought it was the last.

Jon: Two centuries ago?

Ned: Uh, forget we said that.

Jon: OMG a talking dog?

Amy: What were we talking about again?

Ben: We were talking about me not being mauled by mole people!

Narrator: The mole person/freak jumped out of the hole. It was about four feet tall, had black fur with long sharp deadly claws, and lots of sharp teeth. Like, lots. Way more than a mole or a person should ever have. That's why these things are freaks.

Mole Person: First you destroy my home and kill my family, and now you want to steal my treasure too? Well now I'm going to rip you all limb from limb.

Author: That's an image I didn't need in my head…

Ben: Yes, let's skip that part.

Mole Person: (Looks at Ben) You die first blondie!

Ben: Noooo, I'm too young to die! (Runs around the tree)

Amy: Quick, while the freak is busy killing Ben, look for the treasure!

Narrator: As Ned dove into the hole, Ben was busy running loops around the tree; the rabid mole person just a few steps behind.

Mole Person: Death to the human!

Ben: Ned, help me! Save my life!

Ned: I'm a bit busy looking for treasure. This Mole Person's pad is sweet, flat screen tv, mini bar, and, oh wow, a large framed picture of me and Ben with large red X's drawn over our eyes. Don't I look dashing in red.

Ben: NED!

Ned: JON!

Jon: NARRATOR!

Narrator: AUTHOR!

Author: ME!

Me: But I'm not here.

Amy: But I am! Ben, catch! (Throws Ben the shot gun)

Ben: (Catches the shot gun) Haha, time to get rid of the race of mole people once and for all!

Author: Isn't that a bit cold hearted?

Narrator: Don't be stupid, everyone knows that mole people don't have feelings.

Mole Person: ARG! (Leaps at Ben)

Shotgun: BANG!

Mole Person: (Falls to the ground in a heap)

Amy/Jon: YAY.

Ned: I found the treasure everybody! It was a cross.

Amy/Jon: YAY.

Narrator: Wait, wasn't Ned supposed to save blondie's life?

Zombie Mole Person: ARG!

Ned: (Jumps onto Ben, knocking the shotgun to the ground, causing it to go off. The bullet went straight into the zombie mole person's head, causing it to explode)

Amy/Jon: YAY.

Ben: (Pales and such) Damn it, I can't do this another two times!

Ned: I don't know why you're all upset; it's me who does all the work of saving you. Now where's my reward?

Author: Here you go. (Tosses Ned a Scooby Snack)

Narrator: And that ends this chapter.

Amy/Jon: YAY.

* * *

Yay indeed.

Next Chapter, the Dutchman makes an appearance, as well as fat camp!


	33. Chapter 33

I was just told that having 32 chapters was lame and that this story would be better if it had 33 instead, so I went ahead and wrote up another chapter.

**Disclaimer:** Let's face it. I'm so going to own this someday.

* * *

A Spoof from the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman

Chapter 33

Me: As usual, Me was hanging around the Smither's house. Partly to spy on them, and partly because they were the only people in the village that had surround system for their tv. Even with surround system in high definition, Me could still hear the shouting matches between the members of the household.

Wilf: What?! You're sending me to boarding school?!

Smithers: Well, it's that or fat camp.

Wilf: Oh daddy, I would simply love to go to boarding school.

Smithers: Actually, I've changed my mind. You're going to both!

Wilf: Speechless!

Smithers: Now if you excuse me, I just realized I haven't shouted at anyone for a while. (Departs)

Wilf: … Boarding school AND fat camp? I think I'd rather die!

Regina: (Crawling out from under the table and drooling blood) Hello Wilf.

* * *

Smithers: Hey Bow Wow dog lady person. When are those people coming to beat up Mrs. Winn?

Bowe: Uh, Friday? They're supposed to call me. Maybe.

Smithers: And they're professionals and such?

Bowe: Uh, yeah. I think we're getting some chaps from the Redwall Company. They're known for hiring weird people.

* * *

Narrator: Ben and Ned were laying out in two of Mrs. Winn's lawn chairs doing absolutely nothing.

Ben: I love how we're just laying out here do absolution nothing while the village has mere days before it's destroyed.

Ned: I don't know about you but I'm not doing nothing. I'm working on my tan. (Looks up at the clouds) Not much time left though…

Narrator: You know, since we know where the location of where next treasure is, we could get a jump start on getting it. That way we're not down to the last minute.

Ben: But it's such a nice day…

Vanderdecken: Arg, not anymore!

Ben: Aw Sh!t, not you again!

Ned: Yeah, aren't you supposed to be on a ship in the middle of no-where like, cursed and such?

Vanderdecken: Aye, but today is my day off.

Ben: And you spent it coming here? What is wrong with you? Don't you have any friends?

Vanderdecken: Gyarrr. A friend. I think I had one of those once. A couple of centuries ago. In the womb…

Ben: Look, no one likes you. Why don't you just go away.

Vanderdecken: Arg, fine! I'll just go back to torturing lost souls back aboard my ship! (Leaves)

Ned: That was a bit mean.

Ben: I'm just tired of his whining. Whannnn, I'm cursed. I don't grow old. I can't find love. I always have to move on. I'm stuck in puberty forever. I've literally been blessed with suck.

Ned: Are we still talking about the Dutchman or have we moved onto you?

Ben: Who knows anymore? I just tan.

* * *

Narrator: Back aboard the Flying Dutchman…

Vanderdecken: Yar, I'm back everybody!

Vogel: Please tell me you got the rum.

Vanderdecken: Arg, what?

Vogel: The rum? We've been out for nearly a decade. It's what you went out for.

Vanderdecken: Oh. Arg, I forgot.

Vogel: Kapitan, the crew has been sober for too long now. We're on the verge of munity!

Vanderdecken: Gyar, let them bring it! I stopped them once, and I'll do it again!

Vogel: But sir, you're not drunk like you were last time.

Vanderdecken: Rrrrr, Vogel, at this point, I have more alcohol in me than blood. I am drunk forever!111!

Vogel: Oh Angel, this is going to be another long decade.

* * *

Right. This story is going to be finished. One day. Whenever I feel like. I have sequels planned. No idea when those will get written either. Bear with me.


	34. Chapter 34

I literally sat down and wrote this off the top of my head. Not my best work, but it sets up the next couple of chapters which all take place at the police station. There isn't much to the chapter which is why it is so short. I have some really good ideas for the last couple of chapters, but I need them to get past this bit, before I can write them.

**Disclaimer** I started writing this story when I was 15. I'm 19 now if that gives you any indication of how long this story has been going on.

* * *

A Spoof from the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman

Chapter 34

Narrator: It is hot out.

Author: I concur.

Ben: Ugh, can't we find the treasure already? The sooner we get over this adventure the sooner modern times will be here.

Author: Actually our next adventure is back in the 17th century…

Ben: Didn't we already do that?

Author: Yes, but in this series we tend to jump around a lot through the centuries.

Narrator: Cough cough, the story people.

Ben: You're the bloody narrator! Narrate!

Narrator: (Glares at Ben) The treasure is at the police station. Or at least it was before the little quaint station was turned into a maximum security prison.

Ned: What's a maximum security prison doing next to a small English village in the middle of nowhere?

Narrator: Hell if I know, I didn't write this.

Author: Maybe I've been watching too much Walking Dead…

Ned: One can never watch too much Walking Dead.

Ben: Agreed. But does this mean that the prison is full of zombies?

Author: Oh God I hope not. We wouldn't want more zombies in this story than there already is.

(Castaway5, staring at the blinking cursor on the computer screen) Yeah… we wouldn't want that…

Ben: Sigh, I guess I'll go find my shot gun. Do you think Me would want to come?

Ned: If it involves killing zombies I'm sure he would. That would make five of us.

Author: Whoa, what makes you think I'm coming?

Ben: If you don't, I'll tell your probation officer that you've been skipping bail for thirty years now.

Narrator: Might as well bring Amy and Not Jon.

Ned: Don't forget the minor supporting characters! Someone has to die in this mini adventure!

Narrator: Oh yes, we can't forget them… what are their names again?

Ben: No idea. I just tan.

* * *

I really like the I just tan line. I think it'll before his new catch phrase. Exams are coming up, which means I'll probably be writing more in an attempt to procrastinate. I just finished listening to Angles Command on tape (Yes, tape. Not CD, not MP3, tape) for what's probably the millionths time and I got a lot of good ideas for the sequel to this.

This story has been going on for so long, I doubt any of the original readers are still reading. I never thought it would take me this long to finish this. Even after all these years, I still love this series. So of course, I'm going to show that by continuing to really screw up the book. On a side note my paperback copy of CotFD is so ripped up from the years it spent in my backpack, that a page just fell out and the cover went over a year ago.

If you're still reading this fic and have been for a long time, let me know. Reviews always make me smile, though I swear i won't hold this story hostage or anything. I'm really excited for the next book, so hopefully I'll get this done as soon as I can, and it won't take me five years to get the next one done.


	35. Chapter 35

**Disclaimer** No zombie ass kicking in this chapter allowed.

* * *

A Spoof from the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman

Chapter 35

Narrator: Right, who's ready to kick some zombie ass?!

Ben: Me!

Author: Totally not me.

Me: What are you talking about; I've been waiting all day for this!

Author: No, not you, I meant… oh never mind.

Amy: (Holding a golf club) I guess I'm ready to, uh, kill dead things.

Ben: You're going to love it! It's like killing real people, but morally correct!

Author: Do you think my parole officer would count this as community service?

Narrator: Finding the answer to that question would mean actually talking to your parole officer.

Jon: (Holding a rake) Avoiding your parole officer eh?

Author: Shut up not Jon, no one likes you.

Jon: …

Ned: That was a little harsh.

Narrator: He doesn't mean it, he's just testy because we're about to break into a prison full of zombies.

Author: Italyyyyy.

Narrator: Not to mention that his prison roommate always stole his tator tots at lunch.

Ben: Alright, enough chit chat. Is everyone here? Where are the not-so-important characters?

Jon: See, Ben likes me!

Ben: I do not. You're only here because apparently the Author can't write Amy without either you or her brother present.

Amy: It's really embarrassing, especially when I have to go to the bathroom, or am trying to flirt with Ben.

Narrator: All the other characters suspiciously went missing overnight. In fact I think the whole town's gotten a little dead lately… (Watches as a zombie postman wanders by)

Ben: WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF FORESHADOWING.

Ned: Ugh, I thought we were getting a move on. I want my third reward!

Ben: Good luck with that. I got my good old friend saw-offed shotgun here by my side. Nothing can't hurt me now!

Narrator: Little did Ben realize what the Author had in store for him. (Pauses and looks up from the script) But of course not that I've said that aloud, he knows it's coming.

Ned: Somehow I don't think so… (Watches Ben dance away from Jon, who is trying to swap the gun for the rake)

Jon: Look it here, it was my shot gun in the first place!

Ben: But Shirley doesn't want to go back to you, right Shirley?

Shirley the Shot Gun: …

Ned: Great, first Bob and now Shirley.

Me: And now the end of the chapter!

* * *

But wait, nothing happened!

That's because in the book they spend such a freaking long time in the jail that I needed to drag it out. Zombies will die in the next chapter, I promise. Any ideas on how Ben should almost die in the next chapter or two?


End file.
